Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Happy Birthday Mr. Newton

Better Know A Fictional Character - Part 3 - The Apple

   Today is the birthday of a great man of science. Sir Issac Newton was born on January 4 1643 in Woolsthorpe, Lincolnshire, England.

   Little did this intellectual giant realize that even as a child his greatness had been noticed by an unlikely source. There is a great evil in our world people. Something older and more ancient than mankind itself. The apple is no mere fruit. It is a sentient race of beings that have existed on our planet since prehistoric times. Back in the days of the dinosaurs there was a comet strike. This event led to the extinction of said dinosaurs. This was partly due to the catastrophic damage of the impact, dust cloud, nuclear winter, etc. However it was also due to what arrived in that comet. The cryogenically preserved seeds of a sentient race of fruit. They had existed on their own planet for millions of years. Their constant scheming and manipulation eventually led to the destruction of their sun, wiping out their entire solar system. Fortunately for them they foresaw this and sent the seeds of their race into space to seek out a new home world. Purely by chance this containment field wandered into our solar system and crashed into Earth. Their seeds grew into trees and birthed the first crop of Apples. They psychically fed on the last surviving dinosaurs gaining strength. Once mankind appeared they decided to use us to do their bidding.

   The Apples are stealthy, and cunning so not much is known of their activities until the 1600's. They learned of Sir Issac Newton's work and decided to aid in mankind's knowledge of science. They studied him for many years. They watched and read his research and notes monitoring his progress until the day they finally decided to give him the push he needed.

   One of them dropped onto his head and the theory of gravity was born. This of course was purely for their own good. Apples while brilliant and very much evolved over humans have no arms, legs, or hands to get things done. They therefore need us to carry out their schemes and plans. Even today they sit in silence plotting against us from their headquarters.

    Their goal is simple, complete and total world domination. They make Hitler and the Nazis seem like philanthropists. They keep a tally of every one of their kind we eat, make into pies, or simply smash for fun and revenge will be theirs. The Apple Apocalypse is coming friends and it will change the world as we know it.

   Knowledge is power! Thanks for stopping by to get educated on this serious problem. Take whatever steps necessary to prepare yourselves and your families for the battle to come, and have an awesome day!


  1. I'm afraid to know how Johnny Appleseed fits into this scenario...

  2. He was of course a brain-washed minion of the Apples. Even wearing a pot on his head didn't protect him from their mind probes. I should have included him but he slipped my mind.