Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Hey who turned out the light ?

Installment 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

   If you are a regular to my blog you have probably gathered that things have not gone so smoothly for me for the past few years. I am in what I call a rebuilding phase of my life. This comes in waves or cycles. I start getting dug out and back on track. I see the light at the end of the tunnel getting bigger and bright and CLICK. Someone turns off the light and I get pushed back now the tunnel and buried again. Well the last time this happened I had gotten a job I liked and was quite good at here in Missouri. I bought a car. It was a piece of crap but it was paid for. I got an apartment and moved out of my folks' place. I was even talking to a local girl I met online and developing a relationship. Everything was looking up. I almost had my regular life back. The girl & I decided we would meet for lunch at the Olive Garden in Independence to finally meet. I was happy and excited. Well I got stood up, she never returned my calls, and finally told me by email days later that something came up at the last minute. That was the last I heard from her. That was just the beginning. A few days later I had a bitch of a customer at work that reported me for not doing something that was technically against the rules for me to do in the first place. I got fired for this after a 3 days suspension. Apparantly it took three days to decide I should be fired, WTF? Anyway I started looking for another job but I had no savings built up yet. I sold my PS2 & games, DVDs, & the last CDs I owned to buy groceries that month. No calls backs, no promising interviews, not squat. So I had a week left to go before I had to either pay for another months rent or move out. I knew I would have to pitch it in and move back in with my folks after only having been on my own again for a whopping three months. I felt like an even worse failure than when my second ex broke up with me and basically forced me to move in with my folks in the first place. With only four days to go I decided I would rather call it quits than have to admit defeat. I drank three bottles of wine took a whole bottle of Maximum Strength Sleeping pills (over the counter) and went to bed. I woke up early the next morning and I felt like I was underwater. It took great effort to get out of bed, stand and walk to the bathroom. I had THE worst headache of my life and even had trouble breathing. It felt kind of like my whole body was incased in concrete except for my head which someone had busted free with a jackhammer, hence the headache. It took two days to fully recover at which time I had to start packing and moving stuff back to my folks house. I called my mom that morning and told her I'd have to come back home if it was ok. I explained what happened but I never mentioned the suicide attempt. I still haven't and do not intend to. (she doesn't know about this blog) This was the third time in my life I attempted to kill myself. So it is quite obvious to me that i am SUPPOSED to be here. I just don't know what the grand propose is. I strive to find it daily as I am once again digging out of my hole. At this point I am almost to the tracks again. I still  need to lose some more weight and get in a bit better shape, though I am improving greatly. I also need a car, a job, and someone to share my life with but I'm getting there.

Thanks for dropping by to give my thoughts a read. I hope you enjoyed it. Have an awesome day!


  1. No more attempts, okay? No matter how shitty you think life gets. You have great friends and family who care about you. Oh, and if I have to drive to your town and snap you out of it, I will! :-)

  2. LOL, thanks for that! Its taken a long time but I have figured a lot of things out since then. I think the attempts are a thing of the past. I have changed inside in a good way. Its part of why I am finally making progress again. When you change your way of thinking things get easier.