Sunday, November 14, 2010

Speaking ill of the dead

Installment 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)  

   Dear Dad,

         Every child looks at their father as at least one of the heroes in their life if not the greatest. I remember back when I used to look at you this way. The longer you were in my life though the more you hurt me. Emotionally at first then physically then by ignoring me all together. You were one of the most abusive people I have ever personally known. For years I decided I didn't want children at all because I was afraid that one day I would turn into you and start hitting them for stress relief as you did with me. I have grown wiser through the years though and decided I will never be as cruel and heartless as you were in my youth. You beat my mother when she made you mad. You screamed and berated her increasingly often as time went on. You beat me when I didn't ignore this or didn't do exactly what you said. You cheated on her. You found every excuse to spend as much time away from home as you could. Eventually you left us for one of Mom's best friends. Then you came back and trashed our house and threatened to kidnap and rape my mother if she didn't service you. You forced me to irreversibly turn on you that day. A son should never be forced to throw his father out to potentially save his mother's life. Of course you had to do this when you were a teenager too though didn't you. I guess being an asshole runs in our family. the difference is I choose not to be. You could have made this choice too but decided being an abusive, adulterous, letch would be more fun. Several years after I threw you out that day I tried to bury the hatchet and be civil with you so I could have a father figure in my life. You ended up shitting on that too. I left the ball in your court as far as getting it together and calling me when you decided to act like a normal human being. I never heard from you again. When I got the news that you had died it left me emotionless. I thought I'd be happy the day I got that news. I even found myself looking forward to it on more than one occasion. But I was neither happy nor sad at your passing. You've been dead now for almost 7 months and still there has been now flood of emotions that came out of nowhere to surprise me. You are simply gone and the world is better off to be rid of you. I wish things had been different between us but that is not my fault, its yours.

     Your Son,
          Cecil Jr.


  1. Did writing this put some weight off your shoulders? I know when I blogged about my ex-husband, it did for me. Oh, I should share that blog with you... only a few people are able to access it

  2. In a way in did but then again it didn't. I came to terms with the fact that he was never going to be a part of my life again a LONG time ago. It had been about 15 years of no communication before he died. I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I hid a hope that he might contact me and try to make things right, especially after I heard the crazy whore he left my mom for threw his ass out and took all his shit (as she was the reason I finally broke all contact the last time). [Big story there too] But once I heard (on Twitter from his new wife's brother whom I had never heard off or from before) I just let go of the last remaining hope to sort things out between us and moved on. I never celebrated his death neither did I shed a single tear. It was just over.

  3. And yes I'd love to read the blog you spoke of about your ex, if you'd like to share it.